Do’s and Don’ts and Suggested Language from the book Helping Others with Depression by Susan J. Noonan, MD, MPH
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Instead of offering advice… |
Listen. Be present and give your family member or friend your full attention. |
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Instead of judging your family member or friend… |
Listen. Say, “I wish it didn’t have to be this way for you.” |
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Instead of pressuring him to talk… |
Respect his choice about how much he wants to share. If someone confides in you, keep the conversation confidential. |
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Instead of blurting out reassuring words automatically when he expresses despair… |
Hold back. Think about whether |
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Instead of abruptly saying, “Oh you’ll be fine” … |
Say, “I can see this is very difficult. I’m sorry.” Validate his feelings as |
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Instead of comparing his experience to your own or others… |
Say, “I can see that you’re in a lot of pain right now.” Validate his feelings as legitimate and make him feel heard and worthwhile. |
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Instead of taking things too personally or resenting the time you are giving… |
Provide unconditional love and support. Remember that greater patience and compassion may be necessary at times. |
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Instead of getting frustrated or setting low expectations for his recovery… |
Maintain hope and realistic optimism. Expect him to have good days and bad days, emotionally and physically. |
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Instead of promising him everything… |
Only promise what you can deliver. |
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Instead of silently blaming him for his illness, thoughts, or feelings… |
Understand that this is a biologically based illness. Know the symptoms of depression and mania. Watch for the warning signs of |
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Instead of being afraid to talk about depression or mania… |
Respect your own limits. Educate yourself about the illness. Know the symptoms of depression and mania. Understand that talking about it can be helpful. |
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Instead of being afraid to ask him about suicidal thoughts, plans, or |
Listen. Know that talking about it will not cause him to act. Be aware of the Warning Signs of Suicide. Call 9-8-8 if you are concerned. |
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Instead of taking over for him or treating him like a helpless person… |
Offer to help in concrete, specific ways (picking up groceries, walking the dog, or going with him to an appointment). Look for ways to encourage his self-care. |
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Instead of avoiding him or making depression the focus of your |
Include him in daily activities and social events. Let him be the one to determine if it’s too much to manage. Keep your relationship as normal and balanced as possible. |
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Instead of trying to do everything for him… |
Respect your own limits and take care of yourself. You won’t be effective at helping another person if you’re burned out. |
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DESPITE your BEST intentions… the following phrases will NOT be motivating and will NOT have a positive effect on your loved one who has depression. They may make her feel less understood and invalidate her or make her think that her troubles are not legitimate, not taken seriously, or dismissed by you. For these reasons, please try to avoid the following comments:
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INSTEAD, TRY… the following phrases WILL be more effective and productive in offering your loved one comfort, support, and understanding. Please try to keep these in mind during your conversations:
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