In our waiting, God is working.
Hi friends,
I’ve been feeling so deeply in the desert. But maybe there’s no more perfect place to be this Advent, right?! In this extreme silence, I’ve been forced into a deeper stillness than I ever expected. I’ve been going through a lot of personal things, and then—just as life was already heavy—I came down with laryngitis.
Now, I’m about 95 hours into no talking. No conversations, no prayers out loud, and no singing. It’s honestly been very hard. Normally, when I’m going through personal trials, I pour my heart out to God. I cry. I pray the Rosary aloud- it’s how I work through things. But now, in this moment, God has quieted my voice, literally. My doctor says I’m not allowed to cry or talk or even whisper. So here I am, learning to trust in a way I never have before. And it’s humbling, and raw, and new.
And if I’m honest with you, I don’t know if my voice will come back fully. I have the busiest month of gigs coming up—five this week alone, and a National Anthem to sing this weekend for a college basketball game. I feel like I’m being stretched to my limits, not knowing if I’ll even be able to do my job. I went to urgent care yesterday and I’m on heavy medications. It’s hard to admit, but I feel like God has taken things—things I thought I needed—and made me face the reality that I don’t control it all.
But here’s the beautiful thing I’ve discovered- in the middle of all this, I’ve realized something I would never have seen if my life was just “business as usual.” If it weren’t for this sickness, I would’ve just buried myself in my schedule, trying to avoid facing what’s been going on in my heart. I would’ve kept going, kept busy, kept talking—just to avoid the ache. But this forced silence is causing me to slow down and come back home to Jesus. It’s a gift I didn’t ask for but am beginning to see as so precious.
I’ve also realized that in the past year, I had given so much attention to things in my personal life, to the swirling emotions, that I actually became less attentive to the One who truly deserves my full attention. I became distracted, pulled away from the heart of my faith, and focused more on me than on God who was calling me to trust Him. But in His mercy, God stepped in and pulled me out of that place—out of my distractions—for a little while. And as hard as it’s been this week, that’s been so wonderful. He took away what I thought was necessary—my personal plans and my voice—and gave me the space to return to Him.
I’m starting to feel this incredible joy, this deep peace I didn’t think I’d find in the middle of the desert. And the wild thing is, I’m writing songs better when I can’t even sing!! I’m hearing God’s voice more clearly than I have. I never realized how much I talk in my spiritual life—even when I’m alone with Him. I talk, and talk, and talk, and talk… and maybe I don’t listen enough. This silence is teaching me to listen. To be still. To hear Him, even when there’s no sound.
Tonight, after Daily Mass and Adoration, I felt God invite me to enjoy this silence with Him. It wasn’t just about enduring it—it was about being present in it, about letting the quiet draw me closer to Him. I could hear the wind blowing around me, feel the desert darkness surrounding me, and in that moment, I could just sense Jesus—right there, with me. Everything I thought I knew and loved was gone for a moment, except for Him. Just Him. King Jesus. And He smiled like He knows something- that the light is close. So close.
